I have a new job. I'm working in Colmar (I had never heard of it either) in Biz Dev and Marketing. I love it.

Yeah, you heard me right. Love it.

I'm working on green energy projects and construction and engineering and safety equipment. It's varied, it's challenging, my coworkers are cool, and they buy us breakfast on Fridays. Also, no one has shit on the floor yet or threatened to kill me, so those are some plusses.

I dunno what happened (probably all stemming from me getting a job, finally), but its like everything just clicked. I'm not obsessing about my weight, and I'm losing it. I'm eating healthier and I'm feeling great as a result. I have more energy. I'm feeling great about Matt and I. I'm seeing my friends more than ever. I'm being challenged at work. I'm busy, but not too busy. I'm going to bed tired. Shit, even the weather is cooperating. It's like everything chose to fall into place in a matter of two weeks.

Are there things I would change? Sure - I'd like it if I was making about 20k more, and I'd be perfect if I was in Denver. But compared to where I was a year ago, six months ago, even a month ago, I feel great. It's almost like this whole thing has paid off...almost like leaving Verizon is paying off. My big, stupid, ridiculous risk. I'm making half as much and I'm at least twice as happy. There's a formula in there somewhere; I'm just not motivated enough to find it.

My dream company's recruiter and I have been in touch, and she wants me there. I can't believe I'm saying that, but that is so awesome. It's just a matter of the right job coming up...but it will...oh, it will. I'm optimistic. It's nice to know you're wanted by someone who wants you back.

Bottom line is, I feel great. I'm trying to absorb every minute, trying to be thankful for what I have.

On another, unrelated to my happiness note, my car sucks. I went and got my (2009, brand new, G5 with 6000 miles) appraised because I want a Honda, and it has lost SIXTY FUCKING PERCENT of its value. Now, it would be one thing if it was a good car and it lost that value; or if it was a bad car and it retained its value, but I cannot take both of those at the same time. I'm thinking about selling it privately. It's a piece of shit, and making me personally happy that Pontiac is going out of business.

But really, other than that, I'm feeling pretty great.

So I'm in the middle of Viktor Frankl's book "Man's Search for Meaning," about his survival in a Holocaust camp and subsequent study of people's motivations for living. His theory states that the purpose of our lives is to find our purpose, our reason for living. He then explains that there are three basic ways to uncover that meaning that gives our lives purpose and defeats anxiety: "doing a deed", as Wikipedia calls it; experiencing something that awakens a pleasure or value in us; and suffering.

I know that, when I figured out what I wanted to do with my life, it was a lot of #2: I thought about it and started remembering how much pleasure I had derived from past activities related to my dream career. I also think I've experienced a lot of #3 over the last year. While mild, I've been doing a lot of suffering over the last year while I've tried to reprioritize and be proactive about the career path I want to have. OK, maybe suffering is too strong of a word, but that's the word he uses and I'm sticking to it. But it has only been through painful and uncomfortable situations that I have uncovered what gives my life meaning: working hard, going to bed tired, being busy, spending time with the people that mean the most, indulging in little pleasures, etc. If it wasn't for these mild to moderately painful circumstances, I'm not sure I would have figured out who I was so quickly. I am fortunate to have had this time to figure out who I am. I am fortunate to have been able to explore my priorities and learn these tough lessons while I have very little to lose. Painful situations are just our way of growing a little bit faster than we anticipated. And I have been doing a lot of growing up in the past year.

I hope to one day make May 2 my new birthday, a la Alan Alda in Things I Overheard While Talking to Myself.

So, check out Logotherapy if you can...because Frankl can put things in words more eloquently than I can.

www.foxycitrus.com

....you should check it out. It's a little side project I have been working on for a few months now, and i hope to see it develop a lot more as I (hopefully) begin to travel more.

I'd welcome any feedback you have. Good or bad. Really. This blog is in its infancy, and I'm looking to grow it a lot as time goes on.

This blows.

The painkillers are making me dizzy yet optimistic. Awesome.

I miss the sound of lawnmowers and open windows in the morning.

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
Flew by myself. Took my career into my own hands. Hired a career coach. Went to a Honky Tonk. So many big, exciting things.

2. Did you keep your New Years' Resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Yes I did! I wasn't so great on knowing where every dime of my money went, but I intend to improve upon that this year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
I don't think so.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Yes. My grandfather, my career coach, Tom, Boobutt.

5. What countries did you visit?
None, unfortunately. Just explored my own.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
A house of my own. A sweet job that I enjoy. Something with a bit of permanence. A full passport.

7. What date(s) from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
I think the week of February 6-13 was a very, very important one for me. And February 26-March 2. The first week because that was when my grandfather died, when I learned the extent of my stomach problems, and because my Great Uncle Buck looked at me and told me not to waste my life. The second was when I was in Austin and I decided I needed to leave Verizon, learned to stop feeling sorry for myself, and hired Susan to help me get my life together.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
There were so many emotional achievements, I can't even tell you. I learned a lot about relationships this year, too. I learned about maintaining them, starting them, networking to gain them, and learning to be myself in them because maybe, just maybe, people will still like me anyway.
 
9. What was your biggest failure?
Not getting a new job. Getting down on myself when I shouldn't have.

10. Did you suffer any illness or injury?
My stomach issues.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
New car? That sweet pink shirt from Guess that looks really nice on me, maybe.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Barack Obama's. Mine, dammit. Matt and Priti deserve Nobel Peace prizes for dealing with me. Rob's.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Sarah Palin. The Mormons.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Car, haha. Ruby Tuesday's.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
I was excited to get my car the way I haven't been excited for anything since I was very little. It was an amazing feeling.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
All of Sycamore Meadows. Maybe "The World at Large," but not as much as it will next year.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?
Happier. Unquestionably happier.

b) thinner or fatter?
Thinner.

c) richer or poorer?
Poorer, but I feel better about it.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?:
Travel. Work.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Stressing out.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
With Matt's fam on XMas Eve, and my family on the 25th.

21. Did you fall in love in 2008?
I re-fell in love this year. Several times.

22. how many one-night stands?
I'm going to go with "no."

23. What was your favorite TV program?
Anthony Bourdain!!!

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No. I'd like to see that hate list continue to shrink.

25. What was the best book you read?
Oh shit, um...I would say its a toss up between "Eat Pray Love" and "In a Sunburned Country." I read a lot of books this year.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I dunno if this counts, but Butch Walker's new album is amazing. Fucking amazing. Also, Ashlee Simpson's new album. No shit, I love that thing.

27. What did you want and get?
A little bit of peace, both in my stomach and mind. Answers. An emotional lift.

28. What did you want and not get?
A job I love. That job in Golden. Answers.

29. What was your favorite film of this year?
Batman was great, so was Benjamin Button. I dunno how many I saw...

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 23, and I hung out with Matt

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
A job. More travel. Success by my definition.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
A little more adventurous as I started feeling better about myself.

33. What kept you sane?
Matt. Priti. Rob. Susan. Booze.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Barack Obama.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
Sarah Palin is a political issue all her own.

36. Who did you miss?
Pop-Pop. Amanda B. Jess B. College in general.

37. Who was the best new person you met?
I dunno...Mike C.?

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:
Life goes on. No one asked you to be an example. You only have yourself to blame if things don't turn out the way you want them to. Embrace change. The love you take is equal to the love you make.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"To want and to try, is the difference why, some people will walk and some run." - Butch Walker

"Ice-age heat wave, can't complain.
If the world's at large, why should I remain?
Walked away to another plan.
Gonna find another place, maybe one I can stand.
I move on to another day, to a whole new town with a whole new way.
Went to the porch to have a thought.
Got to the door and again, I couldn't stop.
You don't know where and you don't know when.
But you still got your words and you got your friends.
Walk along to another day.
Work a little harder, work another way.

Well uh-uh baby I ain't got no plan.
We'll float on maybe would you understand?
Gonna float on maybe would you understand?
Well I'll float on maybe would you understand?

The days get shorter and the nights get cold.
I like the autumn but this place is getting old.
I pack up my belongings and I head for the coast.
It might not be a lot but I feel like I'm making the most.
The day's get longer and the nights smell green.
I guess it's not surprising but it's spring and I should leave.

I like songs about drifters - books about the same.
They both seem to make me feel a little less insane.
Walked on off to another spot.
I still haven't got anywhere that I want.
Did I want love? Did I need to know?
Why does it always feel like I'm caught in an undertow?

The moths beat themselves to death against the lights.
Adding their breeze to the summer nights.
Outside, water like air was great.
I didn't know what I had that day.
Walk a little farther to another plan.
You said that you did, but you didn't understand.

I know that starting over is not what life's all about.
But my thoughts were so loud, I couldn't hear my mouth.
My thoughts were so loud, I couldn't hear my mouth.
My thoughts were so loud...."
- Modest Mouse, "The World at Large"
---
1.
Where did you begin 2008?
George and Crystal's house.

2.
What was your status by Valentines Day?
Taken, but messy.

3.
Were you in school anytime this year?
No :-(

4.
Did you have to go to the hospital?
Nothing emergency-like, thank God.

5.
Did you have any encounters with the police?
Got pulled over for having a light burnt out, and when I got in the car accident.

6.
Where did you go on vacation?
Nashville, Boston, Baltimore, Austin, and Nashua. Not enough, though :-)

7.
What did you purchase that was over 50?
Um, a car. That might be it.

8.
Did you know anybody who got married?
Jess and Mandy.

9.
Did you know anybody who passed away?
Yes - my Pop-Pop, Susan, Boobutt.

10.
Did you move anywhere?
No >:-O

11.
What sporting events did you attend?
I went to my first Phillies game! And I tailgated at the Eagles v. Atlanta game and World Series...does that count?

12.
What concerts/shows did you go to?
Lots of Matt's....haha. A few others, but nothing terribly notable.

13.
Describe your birthday:
23.

14.
What is the one thing you thought you would not do, but did, in 2008?
Quit at Verizon. Get my stomach problems under control. Feel better about myself this much. Be content to a certain degree.

15.
What has been your favorite moments?
A lot....

16.
Any new additions to your family?
Does Nero count? :-)

17.
What was your best month?
February was the worst...but it was the straw that broke the camel's back, so I'm thankful for it. Um...maybe the first half of August? Dunno.

18.
Who has been your best drinking buddy?
The Verizon kids! And Matt's family.

19.
Made new friends?
Yes :-)

20.
Favorite Night out?
I had quite a few. My high school reunion was better than I imagined it would be. Wing Bowl stands out. Every night with Priti. NASHVILLE!!!!

21.
Other than home, where did you spend most of your time?
Work. Matt's. The gym.

22.
Be honest - did you watch American Idol?
Nope.

23.
Change your hairstyle?
A little bit...got bangs.

24.
Have any car accidents?
Yep - my first ever.

25.
How old did you turn this year?
23.

26.
Do you have a New Years resolution?
Lots! But they're private because you'll make fun of me if I share them :-)

27.
Do anything embarrassing?
I tried to drink beer and a shot at the same time. With the same hand. Forgive me...I was drinking.

28.
Buy anything new from eBay?
No.

29.
Get married or divorced?
No!

30.
Get arrested?
No!

31.
Been snowboarding?
Ew, no.

32.
Did you get sick this year?
I was sick for the first 6 months with this stupid stomach problem...but as goes the stress sources, so goes the IBS and swollen kidneys....

33.
Are you happy to see 2008 G0?
Meh. I am hopeful about 2009.

34.
Been naughty or nice?
;-)

Dear Santa,

This year, I want some things. None of this peace on earth bullshit I keep hearing about.

I want....

1. A job that I will love love love. Or at least like.
2. A one-way ticket to Denver, CO...for two.
3. An extensive road trip.
4. Someone to hit outgoing President Bush with a shoe in the head (or at least try).
5. A car I will like for less than $8000
6. An apartment or a house in a location I desire.


So, for those of you that don't know, I got hit by a tractor trailer last week. The back end of it went up over the front end of my car, and, you guessed it, totalled the Stratus. I wasn't upset about the whole thing until they decided to total my car. I'm pretty crushed; it was my first car, and I didn't see things ending like this. On the plus side, I won't have to listen to anybody do that "I drive a Dodge Stratus!" joke to me ever again.

I want a job very, very badly. Like, its not even funny. I want one so bad--I get depressed every Monday morning when people go to work and I am left at home. I HATE being unemployed. I just don't get why no one will hire me...I have a degree, I have supervisory experience at a big company, I shower....I feel like shit about things.

Fuck society, man. What do they know about me, and who are they to tell me how I am to live my life?

I have to do what's best for me, and only I hold that power.

So, I have the best boyfriend in the world.

Matt played a show Friday night, 9-12...then he packed up his car and headed down to see me. He called me at 2 a.m. to tell me that he was outside and that I really should open the door.

WHO DRIVES AN HOUR IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT JUST TO SLEEP NEXT TO HIS GIRLFRIEND? Oh yeah, my boyfriend does!

He then spent the rest of the weekend being exceedingly cute. Lots of snuggling and football and electric blankets and stuff. He bought me a book because he knows its the kind I like to read...completely randomly.

I've really got it good with this one. He gets me, which is all that matters.

http://perezhilton.com/2008-10-09-republicans-are-in-a-tizzy

A few things i'd like to point out:

1. They don't seem to retouch male faces on the Newsweek cover....how SEXIST, Fox News....and how I enjoying throwing that little word back at you as carelessly as you've been throwing it around in the past few weeks.

2. Don't the Republicans have better things to worry about? Like, say, the crashing American economy and trailing Barack Obama by 10+ points in every poll three weeks before the election?

3. The bitch on the right has obviously not gotten laid in recent memory, and has quite a large stick up her ass.

4. If every human being has flaws, why is it such a big deal if they are on the cover of a magazine? Bitch should be thrilled to have her mug on something other than Moose Hunters Weekly.


I have a lot of pent-up Sarah Palin rage, as you can tell. I just hate her and everything she stands for.

http://punditkitchen.com/2008/09/26/political-pictures-abraham-lincoln-illinois-senator/

Ugh. I'm still aggravated...I got dicked twice, by the same company, three weeks apart. I'm not sure how much more of this I can take.

I hate, hate, hate being unemployed. I'm bored out of my freaking mind...you can only do job stuff/read so much during the day. I just want a fuckin full-time job that's challenging...is that really so hard to get? 

I HATE THIS.

<script language="javascript" src="http://www.blogpoll.com/poll/view_Poll.php?type=java&poll_id=155242"></script>            

Good God, do I love him. So very, very much....

Ugh. I don't even know where to begin.

So, as everyone knows, I quit my job about three months ago. I still haven't found anything, but up until this Wednesday, I was still working part-time at a doctor's office doing petty shit for $11/hr, but now even that has wrapped up. So, basically, I'm doing nothing.

I've never been good at doing nothing.

I have always been good at overwhelming myself, keeping myself so busy that i don't have time to think. That is when I am happiest: when I wake up in the morning and know that I am going to accomplish stuff. I hate hate HATE waking up in the morning and going "so....what am I going to do with myself today?"

I am very ready to get back to work. You'd think, after all of the problems I had with Verizon [stomach ulcers, supervisory issues, workload-balance issues (meaning--and yes, I know I'm doing parentheses inside of parentheses--Tricia and I did all the work, and Rob's friends did jack fuckin shit)], I would never want to work again. But, I love to work. I love to be busy, and I love accomplishing things.

I have had moderate success over the past few weeks talking to people at various companies--large companies, companies in fields that I want to work in. However, its just that--talking--and talking doesn't pay the bills [unless you're Howard Stern or Rush Limbaugh or something]. I am ready for those conversations to turn into something. A week before I quit, things were looking really good--I had some prospects and people were enthusiastic about my resume and experience. Maybe I jumped the gun a little. Or a lot.

I guess I'm just frustrated because I believed that my two years of supervisory experience at a Fortune 10 company and my degree with solid GPA at a top 50 university would actually get me somewhere faster than it has. I'm very frustrated.

This whole unemployment thing has truly been an experience in optimism, patience, and humility. I am doing my best not to let my demons get ahold of me, however, it is getting increasingly difficult as the days go on.

So, I am sending out to the universe that I would like a job, in my field, that won't give me stomach ulcers, in the next month. Please, God/Allah/That/gods/the Force. Please.

Dear Fall Clothes '08:

Please do not be as ugly as the summer clothes of '08 were. I found just about everything wrong with the unfeminine bag clothes of this summer, which is to say that I found nothing to wear that I liked this summer. Please, please, please shape up [literally] this fall by providing me with some cute clothes to wear. I did not work my ass off for this body to put them in the ugliest clothes imaginable.

Thank you for your cooperation. We will touch base in the coming weeks as I start shopping for new clothes.



Lauren

All my life, I have believed that i had to do everything to the superlative degree (the most, the best, the first, the worst, etc.). I was convinced that I would not be valued if I was anything less than the "est" in anything. Always, when I thought about things, my mind would jump to either the best or the worst conclusion - there was no middling option. Even if there was a middling option, I wasn't interested in it.

I've recently opened myself up to the middle, and boy, has it been profound. It's like all your life, just looking out of one eye at a time, and then, suddenly, you discover that you can open both at the same time and you suddenly discover depth perception, along with a broader perspective. There is so much freedom in the middle, and so much space for happiness.
--
Today in yoga/meditation, I hit a new high point. I was in a post-yoga meditation, and suddenly I could feel everything in my body that wasn't supposed to be there. Like, I could feel the food in my stomach. It was one of the weirdest [yet most exciting] things I have ever experienced. I really felt like I got to know myself on a whole new level today. I LOVE meditation...Its something that I have made a ton of progress with, but I feel like I will never know everything about it. That's ideal.

DAMN do I feel good!! haha

'Darth Vader' spared jail in Jedi church attacks

The attack involved a church founded on the Jedi faith of 'Star Wars' films

HOLYHEAD, Wales - A man who dressed up as Darth Vader, wearing a garbage bag for a cape, and assaulted the founders of a group calling itself the Jedi church was given a suspended sentence Tuesday.

Arwel Wynne Hughes, 27, attacked Jedi church founder Barney Jones — aka Master Jonba Hehol — with a metal crutch, hitting him on the head, prosecutors told Holyhead Magistrates' Court.

He also whacked Jones' 18-year-old cousin, Michael Jones — known as Master Mormi Hehol — bruising his thigh in the March 25 incident, prosecutors said.

The two cousins and Barney Jones' brother, Daniel, set up the Church of Jediism, Anglesey order, last year. Jedi is the faith followed by some of the central characters in the "Star Wars" films.

The group, which claims about 30 members, says on its Web site that it uses "insight and knowledge" from the films as "a guide to living a better and more worthwhile life."

"We all love the films and what they stand for. Obviously some people are going to laugh about it," the Wales on Sunday newspaper quoted Barney Jones as saying last month. "But a lot of people do take it seriously."

Unfortunately for Hughes, his March attack was recorded on a video camera that the cousins had set up to film themselves in a light saber battle.

"Darth Vader! Jedis!" Hughes shouted as he approached.

Hughes claimed he couldn't remember the incident, having drunk the better part of a 2 1/2-gallon box of wine beforehand.

"He knows his behavior was wrong and didn't want it to happen but he has no recollection of it," said Hughes' lawyer, Frances Jones.

District Judge Andrew Shaw sentenced Hughes to two months in jail but suspended the sentence for one year. He also ordered Hughes to pay $195 to each of his victims and $117 in court costs.

In the 2001 United Kingdom census, 390,000 — 0.7 percent of the population — listed Jedi as their religion.

I don't get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
Brought me here

And where was I before the day
That I first saw your lovely face?

Now I see it everyday
And I know
That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest

What if I'd been born fifty years before you
In a house on a street where you lived?
Maybe I'd be outside as you passed on your bike
Would I know?

And in a wide sea of eyes
I see one pair that I recognize

And I know
That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest

I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you
Next door there's an old man who lived to his nineties
And one day passed away in his sleep
And his wife; she stayed for a couple of days
And passed away
I'm sorry, I know that's a strange way to tell you that I know we belong

That I know
That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest

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Oh yeah, I quit my job, too.